Decisions. I hate decisions. Be it should I cut my hair to emulate
a true, suave European woman or should we eat pizza or a pastry for lunch (go
with the pastry), I dislike them all, especially when I make the
"wrong" choice.
This is going to be a "get to know
Alexandra" blog post. So you can either stop reading now, or if you feel
like you might identify with me, keep reading and learn from a plethora of
decisions and mistakes I have already made while on this study abroad that I
hope to stop you from making yourself. Learn from me kiddos, someone besides
myself should.
Let's begin with the fact that I am
terrified of even attempting to speak German for fear of sounding stupid/idiotic/being
made fun of by actual Germans. Yes, I have had a difficult time communicating
in German to Germans pretty much since day one of being here. I find the
pronunciation difficult, and being someone who has always prided herself on
being an excellent communicator, it is hard to fail SO miserably here. Germans
as a whole in my experience are decently nice, to say someone from New York
City perhaps. For this born and raised, smile at everyone, engage in idle
grocery store conversation Texas girl, they are not friendly. My host family is
very kind, warm, and welcoming, and for this I thank God. I was raised in a
warm, open home, so I am use to feeling this type of atmosphere on a daily
basis. I say this and it makes it sound like all Germans are bad or mean, that
is absolutely untrue. You just have to grow a thicker skin and not take
everything personally, which is the biggest struggle I have faced here these
first few weeks. I am hoping to adjust to this more efficiently as time
progresses, but not lose my own kindness along the way. It will be a balancing
act, and I hope to succeed sooner as opposed to later.
My second mistake has been to assume that
everyone in the program knows who I am, what I stand for, and how I react in
situations. Fortunately, I grew up in a big city in Texas, so I am not use to
having everyone know my name, family, parent's occupation, and dirty laundry.
This has been helpful in life, because it has taught me to learn how to present
myself to new people and converse without any previous knowledge of the
individual or their background. I am a member of a Catholic Sorority (Kappa
Theta Beta) that is based at St. Mary's Catholic Center in College Station and
have been a member for three years. Over these years I have established deep,
meaningful relationships with many confident, understanding, and kind women who
I am blessed to have as my sisters. These women know who I am and understand me
and my motivation in life. I have also been graced with one of the most amazing
best friends in the entire world. She is the most incredibly wonderful human
being on the face of the planet and is absolutely loyal and amazing. She has
been my rock since we met in pre-School and we have been inseparable ever
since. As great as these bonds I have back in Texas are, they have also left me
a little soft to the reality of people and how they behave. I am used to having
a rigid support system of people who care about my well-being and want to help
me in any way they can. I am also someone who provides support for others and
am willing to do things that other people do not want to do to help a friend or
acquaintance in need. I live my life in a way that will help and give
assistance and service to others. Unfortunately for me, this can lead to being
taken advantage of quite easily and having been in the safety of my
"nest" in College Station, I haven't really dealt with betrayal or
backstabbing or being used by my friends or sorority sisters.
 |
| Engraving on the wall of the Gestapo Prison Museum |
When you come into a new group of people
that you do not know, you have to take time to get to know them before showing
your true self. Since I am generally a shy person at first who warms up gradually
to others, I decided to try (try being the operative word) to be as open as
quickly as possible, since I would be spending a semester with a small group of
people and I wanted to feel comfortable sooner as opposed to later. That being
said, it has been difficult for me to really open up to others and show my true
self. This unfortunately usually means I come off as cold, distant, “bitchy”,
and a bit of a complainer. I feel this is the opinion I may have been proliferating
these first few weeks and that hurts me deeply. I am a genuine, kind, caring,
understanding, willing to listen and participate individual and I have not come
across as such these few weeks. For that, I am endlessly saddened and hope that
it is something I can rectify before my time is up here in Germany and Europe.
Often I feel that mistakes have no purpose besides to make us feel
guilt and feel down about ourselves and our decisions. Sometimes you have to
take a step back after a decision and realize this is not a reflection of my
whole person; this is a reflection of part of me. All of the parts of our
personalities, ideals, motivations, family history, and experiences shape us,
and one decision does not undermine all of the history that we have, it just
reshapes it into a new vision of ourselves. Our decisions and mistakes help us
to discover fully who we are called to be in life and I think we could all agree
they also make life more interesting and challenge our self-view.
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| Koln Zoo 31.1.14 |
My take home message to those poor, unfortunate souls kind enough
to still be reading this post is that you CANNOT sweat the small stuff so much.
Things happen. Life happens. You learn from what has happened and you move one.
One moment in time can define your life, either for bad or for good. Let’s
choose good. Let’s decide to grow as humans and students together. If we stop
growing, we will never be able to reach the Son and that is what really matters
in life. My challenge for myself since this is the first day of the new month,
February (when did this happen!!) is to be true to myself. To be an authentic
representation of my experiences and to live in a way that glorifies good.
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