I Have Confidence!

So it approaches: the apocalypse. Drama, I know. But my life is neat, ordered, and I enjoy the comfort of my small bubble-world. I don’t mind the simplicity (code-word for dull, or so I’ve been told) of it. So yeah, I guess in terms of me, getting on a plane to Germany is sort of the apocalypse. ‘Getting on a plane’ seems too dull a way to describe it, though. I tell myself I’m embarking on adventure, à la Frodo Baggins—(er, side note, does that make Dr. Wasser Gandalf?) When I picture myself going to Germany I think of floating across the Atlantic in a colourful hot air balloon… kinda wish I were going that way! Any takers? 

I can’t deny that over the past few months my feelings have flitted between anxiousness, elation, apprehension, and sheer excitement. Oh, and sadness every now and then when I look at my dog. I said to her yesterday when we were at the park, ‘Science says you’ll think I’m dead in two weeks, Mae.’ She just wagged her tail. Oh well. I guess when I get back she’ll think I’m Jesus.

I’ve been playing videogames like mad since school got out, like an addict anticipating withdrawal. I guess it won’t be too much of a deprivation, but still. I’ll probably disrupt this entry at some point, sprint upstairs and weirdly stroke the controller… ‘Goodbye’. Oh god, I’ve personified it. Also, I’ve come to realize I worship at the altar of Netflix. And my books. Do they have English language books in Germany? I look at my chosen few and think: you will have to sustain me. Is this what going on weight watchers feels like? But with books? ...I’ll be starving by February.

So as the year passes the anthem of my life changes. The acceptance letter came and, this being Texas, the leaves took their sweet time falling, so Fall hit without really hitting. The anthem of my summer, ‘I Will Survive’ (hey, it was my third semester of summer school, I’m sure you all understand) bled into Julie Andrew’s ‘I Have Confidence’. So I’ve been lip-synching Julie Andrews in the shower, lip-synching Julie Andrews cooking, lip-synching Julie Andrews doing Pilates. Lip-synching because, trust me, when I sing the effect is thoroughly ruined. It’s been the song running circles through my head as I pranced to and from class at A&M. It seems strange to think a new song will be replacing it soon as I traipse around Bonn. It just seems so fitting, as the days count down these verses have been playing over and over in my head:

‘It could be so exciting, to be out in the world to be free! My heart should be wildly rejoicing. Oh what’s the matter with me?

I have always longed for adventure, to do the things I never dared! Now, here I’m facing adventure, then why am I so scared?’

When I think of Germany I think of all the progress I’m going to make there. I think of myself as a turtle peaking out of its shell. I’ve lived a slow life so far, but maybe it’s about to speed up. I’m thinking of me in sunglasses right now with a non-alcoholic martini, ‘Yeah, living life in the fast lane’ (*nods head vigorously*). Honestly, I’ll probably be dazed and disoriented by the end of this trip. I want to be able to wrap my mouth around some of those tongue-twisting German words, to feel confident going places and interacting with people. I want to become a suave person. Do you think I’m pulling your leg? Yeah, not like I’m going to divulge my deepest dark secrets on a public blog.

This has been oddly therapeutic. Already I’m reaching the climax of ‘I Have Confidence’

‘I have confidence in sunshine! I have confidence in rain! I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides which, you see, I have confidence in me!’

Let’s hope that rings true.

Ciao. Ashleigh