Change for me has always seemed a slow process. I feel like I have been changing through different experiences and developing who I am over the course over 22+ years. That is, until I went to Germany. If I could describe the change figuratively, it would look like an exponential graph. I feel the exponential change started when I left my hometown to go to a college different than most of my high school class and it peaked with my experience in Germany. People asked before I left if I would be sad that I wouldn’t be in College Station for my last semester but after the program, I just felt like I went out with a bang. It rounded out my college experience so well and I learned so much about myself. Of course, I would’ve like to discover that the path I was pursuing wasn’t for me earlier so I might have changed course earlier, but I’m not sure I would’ve been ready if I had gone earlier. The timing of everything was crucial to my experience. I wouldn’t have met the people I did if I had gone earlier and I wouldn’t have been so open. I like to think of myself as open minded, but it wasn’t until Germany that I realized I was only open minded towards people I deemed worthy. I did not want to waste any time trying to know people with beliefs different from mine because that usually meant they thought my friends didn’t deserve to feel the way they feel. In Germany, stuck with the same group of people, I had to let all negative feelings go and made such wonderful memories with two people I wouldn’t necessarily have become friends with back stateside. I felt like most of the people there differed from me on ideals and beliefs, yet I was able to connect with everyone on such a deep level and grew to love every single one of them for who they were and what they brought to our friendship as well as what they taught me about myself. The group I went with ROCKED. Dr. Wasser picked a diverse group and I think it really showed that this is what A&M is about. Striving in whatever field you study while working with unique individuals, showcasing that diversity makes the world better. Everyone had something different to bring to the table. I was always learning new things with them. For my two closest friends, they constantly kept me on my toes. Whether it was being more accepting or challenging me, they made me better. Looking back, I’m not sure what kind of experience I would have had without the people I went with, especially Ana. It wasn’t until after that I realized just how supportive she was to me. Honestly, I’m not sure if I ever would’ve entertained being friends with her if I hadn’t been removed from my comfort zone and forced to be open. She was there for me when I felt lonely in that big house and was there for me when my cat that I had adopted at 11 and cared for since a kitten had to be put down and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I knew she was there for me and that made me able to process my emotions in a healthy manner. With the time difference, I couldn’t call my mom or friends whenever I was going through something, but I always knew I could call Ana and she would answer. Knowing she would be there allowed me to not call her so we could discuss things the next day.
This trip allowed me to connect with my emotions more deeply. The way I see myself and the world is so different now and I couldn’t even tell you when it happened. It was honestly the cumulation of all my experiences. Being in new countries, sometimes by myself, I gained appreciation for life. My favorite part about exploring was trying the native food because it tells a story of the people. For Germany, there are more Turkish influenced food than when I went in high school. I think that in turn brought in other cultural influences and seeing how welcoming Germany has become made me love the country even more. Beyond appreciation for others, I learned to appreciate myself more. When my friends were able to help me study and do well on exams, I remembered how much I love learning. I also learned how much I loved teaching! I’m still searching for what I want to do, with teaching being a distinct possibility, and this program and the people taught me that it was okay to let go of expectations and follow your dreams, regardless of how long it takes to find your passion. Before Germany, I liked a lot of things but after Germany I became passionate about things. Advocating, teaching, learning. This semester was the first time I studied the way that I did and was also my first fall/spring semester 4.0! Before I just relied on my base intelligence but this program taught me to work hard to achieve goals. It was also the first semester since freshman year that I didn’t take a women’s and gender studies class. I was so used to everyone around me caring about the same issues I care about and discussing with similar beliefs that in Germany I had a shock. Over there, I felt most of the people weren’t as passionate about the things I talked about and it taught me that that’s ok. People see things differently and even if I just made them think differently about an issue for a second, I think of that as a success. I can’t keep surrounding myself with like minded people because that just creates disparities and delays progress.
To reflect more on how I’ve changed and how I interact with the world now, I asked my family and friends what changes they’ve seen. For one, I am able to make a decision much quicker now and am less crippled by the pressure of choosing wrong. There were decisions I made in Germany that went well and ones that didn’t go well but the act of making those decisions and being able to experience so many different things ended up being what was important to me. My dad told me I live in the moment more now. I live in the present. And I enjoy it! The inhibitions that always held me back aren’t so important to me anymore. Sometimes I’d be in a new country only for the weekend so I didn’t have time to worry about the past or future and I was able to focus on the now. I learned to enjoy not only what I was doing but myself too.
As I write this now, the emotions from the semester are coming back and it’s flowing onto the page but before I started I wasn’t sure how I was going to write this. How could I put the way I felt into words? I’m not sure there’s enough words in the dictionary to describe what this program meant to me and I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to do it justice, but I’ve learned to accept myself and love whatever I put out into the world, especially when I put passion into it. I will never be able to go back to that time and I will never be able to truly understand everyone else’s experiences but I hope this gave y’all some insight into mine. Thanks for reading, love you all, and I hope to see you soon.
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